Deep Dive on DISconnection

Uncovering DISconnection to get to Connection

DISconnection is like a rose thorn—hard to pinpoint, but once we do, YOUCH! We can “see” the obvious thorn on the rose stem that has been there ALL ALONG but somehow we missed it EVEN WHEN we were looking for it. Another way to envision it is thinking of a line of dominos.

Imagine your core wellness factors as dominos, each one symbolizing the pillars of connection in our lives that allow us to function as the best version of ourselves (health, emotional well-being, physical, social, etc).

Each domino that falls breaks the connection with part of what makes us thrive as our authentic self (I know, I know … by authentic self I just mean that seemingly small spark inside that makes you feel calm, balanced, healthy)

Maybe it’s being midlife and maybe it’s just many life experiences, but I have found that we often don’t realize how many connections have broken in our lives until we’re really struggling. Usually, the biggest event is not the most disconnecting.

Stay with me. For me, the blatantly obvious big domino to fall was the death of our twin boys, which was obviously an excruciatingly difficult and disconnecting time, but it was also a time that was deeply peaceful and connecting (with other women, my spouse). At the time, it seemed like that one event broke everything in me, and it did in a sense. It was the domino that fell, exposing the spaces and ways I was disconnected from within. It took YEARS for me to see this. I DID all the things I was supposed to do in grief – none of it seemed to get at the core of what was “wrong”.

Ultimately, nothing was “wrong”, per se. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling … all the ways I was feeling. I have never been anything but grateful for my sons’ lives; sad, of course, but I wasn’t angry/distraught/depressed. I didn’t realize what I was feeling was the disconnection exposed within my brain. I was grieving, but I wasn’t grieving the big thing that I thought I was “supposed to” be grieving.

Knowing Our Triggers

I’d given birth to my daughter a year after my boys were born, and I had NO IDEA that she was the trigger for my grief and disconnection. I didn’t realize this until a therapist asked me what it was like after she was born and I spontaneously burst into tears that I couldn’t stop.

I was “fearing” that my newborn daughter would die rather than survive; I was struggling to keep up with all of the trauma my body had endured in just a few years; my nervous system was shot; my emotional health and well-being was waning while trying to help a neurodivergent/autistic teen find care (and care for her); my sleep patterns were erratic with a newborn; my hormones were all over the place after IVF, pregnancy and breast feeding; and, possibly the most impactful on my mental health – my brain had all the space in the world to run amok after I quit my job.

In hindsight, quitting my job was the most beautifully traumatizing thing I could have done. Had I not quit, my brain would have remained blissfully occupied. But I did quit. And it was glorious for the first few weeks as I wasn’t parenting and working 90 hour weeks from home. I’ve since learned that my brain goes a million miles an hour, and when I didn’t have intense intellectual work to do, my brain turned on itself and exposed to me ALL THE WAYS I had been disconnected for years.

Collaging DISconnection

For years, I created collages, but I stopped sometime in my mid-20s and have wanted to start again for at least the past 10 years. The whole process was cathartic — finding words and images, cutting them out, pasting them …. I created this one with Canva, and though not the same at all, it did get my creative juices flowing.

Maybe the catalyst for your disconnection isn’t as in your face as mine was, but if you live or have lived as an expat, my guess is that you’ve experienced seasons of disconnection, and unless we resolve these as we move forward, they often get buried and unearthed in different ways as we move through life.

Exposing Its Roots

Although experiences/events may not seem significant in and of themselves, leading us to “normalize” them, collectively they add up and create cracks and spaces for disconnection in our lives. Even when we realize transitioning through difficult times, we can minimize the effects on us if it isn’t a hyper-traumatic situation, further creating and causing disconnection:

• Moving
• Friend/family move away
• Divorce
• Bickering/Arguing in marriage/among our kids
• Functioning in a foreign language (NOT thriving, but learning to function)
• Abuse (verbal, spiritual, physical)
• Mental health struggles (anxiety, depression, compulsions)
• Changes to social status
• Lifestyle changes
• Forced changes in routine
• New job
• Illness
• Witnessing trauma
• Death
• ANY event that is significant for you
• Family crises
• Injury

Maybe your inner voice is telling you that nothing is wrong, everything is fine. Disconnection doesn’t mean everything is wrong, but recognizing where it is happening in our lives can help us pinpoint what could be better.

Sometimes, our shame can get the best of us and keep us from recognizing the ways in which we are disconnected and need connection in our lives. I urge you to lean into those feelings, so that we can move forward IN connection and learn from and with each other.